Scars and Stars: Letter From Lem De Asi

Dear Little Sister,
As your big sister in this school of life, I deem it necessary to send you this piece to enlighten you on how my journey has been thus far.

I met your brother inlaw barely a year ago at the gym where I had just enrolled for three days. He worked as a gym instructor in addition to his regular job. I must admit he swept me off his feet with his muscle toned body. Days on, I looked forward to my time at the gym as if my life depended on it. It was always a delight to see him at each session.

A week on, he asked me out to dinner and I accepted to go. My dear, I had not been asked out by a man to dinner in years to even have me pay for it. I had gotten used to going to dinner alone. I went to the movies alone, attended shows alone and went shopping alone. I had become comfortable with being alone; just me. My life became a routine, you could predict me. I went to work, then to the gym and back home. If I had to go out I went alone or with girlfriends.  So  all week, I looked forward to our dinner date and went shopping for new clothes for our date. When saturday finally came, I met him at the Golden Fork restaurant. We spent hours just dining and talking. By the time our dinner date was over, I went home thinking about him and replaying episodes of our time together.

He began calling me regularly. We were always in touch all day and would chat about everything via text or regular phone call. After the gym, we ended up going home together. It was mostly to my place to watch movies or to eat and talk. I loved how he paid particular attention to my whole being.  He treated me like a delicate doll that needed proper taking care of. Gradually, we began to do all that two new people in love do. My dear girl, love is sweetest at its initial stages. Kissing him felt like it was my first kiss ever on planet earth. We would kiss, cuddle and I ended up getting a foot rub almost every night.

One night, after the gym, I fell ill and your brother inlaw wouldn't leave my side. The following day, he called in ill at work and stayed all day with me to make sure I got better. He cooked the meals, cleaned the house and every five minutes or so, he  would ask;'baby are you okay?' I made him taste my sweet cherry that night and ohhh, it had never tasted better. That night, he said to me;'baby would you marry me?'  'Oh no, Errol, not so soon'. I replied. He drew closer to me and kissed me passionately and then held my left hand looking into my eyes and insisted.'Baby, marry me please, I promise that making you happy will be my number one job.' That night, I was stunned beyond description and couldn't talk much. Deep down, I was happy.  For once, a guy wanted to marry me so badly even at my age.

Lem, I was thirty five and had dated lots of men. The rich, the handsome, the famous and the best of men but none was ever willing to settle down with me. Our relationship never lasted beyond a month, though they were good to me financially. When I met Errol, I was just beginning  to close the chapter on  dating. I had come to learn that dating was not for me. If only I could have a baby and raise my child, I would be just content.

Yet, a month after meeting Errol, though I had declined several times, after proving to me how serious he was about wanting to try this with me and after persistently asking me to give it a try, I agreed.  I would lead him to my family to let him introduce himself as the man in my life and to declare his intentions towards me as is done in the Ghanaian traditional society. Errol insisted on going ahead with the traditional marriage but I thought it was too soon as I was still getting to know him. So we went on with the introduction and knocking. I had several thoughts running through my mind; was he for real, Or was he in this for what he could gain, did he genuinely love me? Well, I would not know until I have tried. I would give this a try and see how it goes was my final conclusion.

At this time, I was speaking with my two girlfriends who had varied opinions. One thought I should go ahead, One thought I should slow down but  go ahead with the 'knocking rites' and break it off when I realise it isn't working. Errol and I decided to go ahead anyway.

We decided to move into my place, meaning Errol had to change houses. We made that decision because though I liked Errol, I couldn't bring myself to live at his place.  I didn't  find it decent enough.  Living together was fun initially. Again, my dear little sister, love is sweetest when you are just beginning.  Constant visits to the movies, eating out, visiting every place in the city whilst walking hand in hand. Not forgetting the random forehead and hand kisses. I was sure to get a foot rub at the end of it all after wearing stilettos all night. Errol had a perfect body. Muscle toned and tall. He was huge and dark and I loved his body.
Every night, that body made me really happy and during the day; he was my angel helping me go through the day smiling all through.

In the second month after we started living together, I  missed my period. Didn't know how to feel. At least I wanted a baby but   wasn't sure  Errol and I were on the same page yet. Errol was thirty one, he had been proving to me how right I've been. Deciding to walk this mile with him, by being a good man to me. I had a good job and did not mind taking care of the house but at least a man ought to take care of his woman financially too and so I asked Errol to live up to his responsibilities.  'Errol I missed my period'. 'Baby, what does that mean? Are you pregnant?' He asked with so much concern on his face. At least that is what I saw. 'Yes' 'Wow' Errol yelled. He  jumped up onto his feet and gathered me into his arms. He kissed me on the lips and put me down finally still holding me tight. 'Thank you baby, you have made me really happy.' 'Really?' Was all I could say at the time.

Everything was okay until after  the first trimester of my pregnancy.  My Errol changed completely. He came home not earlier than 10pm and always kept to himself. We barely talked at all and he also made sure he never got close to me. My side of the bed was a restricted area and he never dared to cross it. If I dared to cross it, he would say;'Esi, I'want to sleep please.' He always said the same thing. My pregnancy was becoming unbearable. I thought having Errol by my side would make it easier for me but, Errol stopped being there for me. He stopped touching me yet I could not tell this to anyone not even my girlfriends who thought all was well with me.

My Errol too was such a good actor. Each time his friends  or my friends came to visit, he was at his best. One thought we had the best relationship.  He would still call me baby, sit beside me and try starting a conversation with me. Whilst when we were alone, he would never look at me. Gradually I got used to his acting skills. I cried, I was depressed and regretted rushing things. The baby I was expecting was the only thing that kept me going. Once I visited the gynaecologist, he asked if I was still having sex. He advised me to keep having sex once it was not uncomfortable for me and to help open up the place.  I confided in him and told him Errol had not touched me since my first trimester. He even offered to speak with him for me so I phoned Errol so the doctor would speak with him. Errol agreed after he did but when I got home that night, he would still not touch me.

Little Sister, your big sister loves to have sex. Here I was, being deprived though I had every means to get it. If I was not pregnant, I would get it elsewhere.  I'm sure. Errol never looked at me, he felt distant by the day and gradually, every dream I had ever held when I was single for my pregnant days shattered into pieces. If you cannot build the dreams you see, you are sure to never live it. He never for once touched my baby bump to even feel or hear the baby. I was beginning to lose my self esteem.  Just the way a woman loses it when she finds out her man is cheating and she had been doing everything right. Just that this time, I could not get affirmation elsewhere. 

My dear little sister,  being single is not a curse. It is a good time to prepare yourself to live with a man. A man can make and tear you down if you end up with the wrong one and do not take your time.  The wrong  man can make you  lose your self esteem and you will take years to rebuild what you once had. It doesn't matter who you are, once you let the wrong one in and are unable to find yourself early, you will go down before you know it. A man cheating on you or dumping you for a less classy, not pretty, perhaps younger or older woman, a single mother, a character worst than you are and causing you pain as well as causing you to lose your self esteem is nothing close to ending up with the wrong one and waking up to deal with it daily. Whilst you are still single, cherish and love you by taking your time with men. The least you can do for your unborn children.

Sex is sweet, good and a vital part of that union called marriage.  It is a much improved version of the one you have when you are still single; at least psychologically.  I want you to cherish it and only let a man earn it if you are not married.  No man wants a woman who has been with every man. Be choosy when it comes to giving it out, whilst still single. Let the man who earns it live forever remembering that sweet cherry. He can cheat but one day, he will cherish the good girl and cherry he has. Marriage will seek to explore other issues including sex, take your time and choose wisely. Do not get blinded.

Little Sister, the fact that your biological clock is ticking does not mean you should rush. Preparation is more important than age because if you are well prepared,  you will always find a man even if you go past your flower days. You must take your time. Know the man you are dealing with.  When two people begin dating, everyone strives to be at their best. Yes, you want to endorse yourself and prove to that man that he made a good choice.  That man wants to let you know he is good enough for you. Very few people are at their best with the real them. Be vigilant, take your time. People marry for various reasons.  Some for sex, some for money, some for fame and prestige, some for a certain benefit,  amongst others. The more you take your time to find out, the more you will discover why you are going  into it.

My dear little sister, I hope that my story has taught you a lesson or two. Do not weep for me yet. I will tell you all of it soon. For now, I want you to know that being single is no curse. Enjoy it. Let go of the hurts, the pain, the disappointments. At least that's my prayer for you because I know what that can do to you. I urge you to be happy, pray for the spirit of discernment.  Ask for wisdom and don't forget to ask yourself; 'would you marry you, if you met yourself?'

Kind regards,
Lem
(Your big sister)

Long time no blogging :)
Life gets super busy and oh my new baby; 'Raindrop' has my attention so your girl has been quite slow on here.
I still love and appreciate everyone who's been reading.  Thanks for the messages asking if blogging was over...lol. No please.  Writing is my weed, I'm addicted
xxxx

Friday night....
Drink some....
Snuggle up ....
Have gibberish conversations. .
Kiss your favourite person . ..
Enjoy your weekend!