Scars And Stars: Letter From Lem II

Dear Little Sister,

The last time, I was telling you about Errol and I. So after the doctor called to tell him to have more sex with me, he would still not touch me. We grew apart by the day. He still came home after 10 pm. By now I was becoming tired and could no longer drive. Errol did not own a car, he had never owned one in his entire life time.So he drove my car to work and back. Benefits of living with Lem I guess.

A week after the doctor had called him. I could not take it anymore, I decided to confront Errol. He lay beneath the sheets and the lights were off in our bedroom.  As usual I lay at my side of the bed and my back and feet hurt so much. I needed to take a pee, I struggled to get out of bed with so much effort.  When I glanced at Errol's side of the bed, I could see his phone light on. Meaning he was texting on his phone beneath the sheets. I struggled to get out of bed. I walked to the bathroom and back. This had been the life. I had done this all alone with absolutely no help from Errol. Errol was laying in that same position with his lights on when I returned from the bathroom.

I lay back on my side of the bed and began to cry. He didn't even bother to ask why I was crying. Little Sister, I had to let out all the hurt and pain I had been feeling for seven or so months. This is not what I had bargained for. Though prior to this time, I had been single and lonely, I never envisaged a time like this.  When I would lay beside a man but still weep. I learned that the tears I had cried as a single woman didn't even bring much pain like it brought me, living with a man.

When I was single, I  lay alone on my bed and felt lonely with no one to talk or laugh with. Now here I was, not alone yet feeling lonely. There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. You should not feel lonely in a relationship, when your man leaves you feeling alone and lonely, any other man who feeds your emotions can take his place easily. As women, we crave to be heard and listened to. No one was listening to me. At least not the man I wanted to listen to me. I got what I deserved I thought. I am so ugly. I'm not attractive anymore. I am not good for him. I am just a piece of rag; he stays in my house, comes after 10pm to sleep.  Never picks my call when he is out. Never calls me when he is out except if he wants to know what he would be having for dinner. He drives my car, eats my food, enjoys the comfort of my home and does not give a damn about me.

I had never felt more ugly. I got up again, turned on the lights and sat gazing in the mirror. I saw an ugly, unattractive me with a big baby bump. My tears flowed and I wiped them off with the back of my palm. When I managed to control myself and stop myself from crying I spoke up. 'Errol.' He did not respond yet I could see his phone light. 'Errol, I screamed. Why don't you just sit up and text. Do you have to hide beneath the sheets to do it? Don't you own the phone, why are you hiding beneath the sheets. Is it because of me, I won't mind. Afterall you have done this for months and I have never complained.'  Just then, he pulled off the sheets and sat up. 'What did you say?'  'I said feel free to use your phone and stop hiding beneath the sheets. Afterall you only come here to sleep, you don't stay here.'
'Listen to yourself' was all he could say. That night, I asked him why he stopped having sex with me. He told me sex was bad for him as a man working out. He needed more muscles and could not afford to loose them. I could not believe my ears.

First time I was hearing such a silly excuse. I made sure I told him how badly he had been treating me. He just looked on. Didn't say a word and went to sleep.  Again I was stunned by his whole attitude.  This man used to wake me up at night to convince me to marry him. I have not fully made him my husband, yet here he was, showing me his other side.
Little Sister , never let a man's actions make you feel less of a woman.  Never think you are ugly or unattractive because of how he treats you. Never belittle yourself because he chose to make you feel that way. If you find him cheating, just take it that it is for validation. Once you are doing it right, whoever you think is the reason behind it, it does not make you less of a woman. You are beautiful. It doesn't matter, be confident.  There's nothing more attractive than a confident woman. Keep doing it right.

Days on, each time I brought up the subject he would start an argument with me. On another visit to the doctor, he called Errol once again, to remind him of his duties as the man. Errol again agreed but never touched me. Little Sister, forget about forehead kisses, forget foot rubs, though I needed them most this time as my feet and back hurt, I did not get any of it.

The sweet Errol who would cook, clean and pamper me was gone. I had another Errol to deal with and get used to. Each time I tried to let us talk about issues, he would remind me that he is the man and I am the woman.
Don't forget to be a friend to your man. Sincerely Errol and I never really took time to be real friends. Yes being friends is a great start and a good start but don't suffocate yourselves.  I am talking about being friends not having sex. After the sex, one day, you will need the friends that you are to survive. 

One night I fell ill and was so weak. Errol got back as usual after 10 pm. He did not bother.  'That's part of being pregnant, get used to it.' He said to me. I lay ill for three days till my sister came to visit and took me to the hospital.Errol got back to find me in bed as usual and saw  my medication from the hospital.  'Did you go to the hospital? ' he asked me. 'Yes I did.' 'Didn't I ask you not to go to the hospital and that its part of being pregnant? ' I ignored him. This dude did not value me. He expected me to stay home and die am sure. I just kept taking my medication to get well for myself and my unborn baby.

By this time, I was beginning to lose all respect for Errol. He did not contribute a dime to the upkeep of the house. He just came and went. He even downplayed every single item I purchased for our unborn baby. He never bought a pin for the baby. Though I was hurting, I needed to be strong for my baby. I would do this damn the challenges.  I already started and it's almost over.

One night I needed to get some medication from the pharmacy as I had mistakenly stepped on one. I was about to find my way when he returned home as usual after 10. He offered to drive me to the pharmacy.  I waited for him in the car whilst he went to get the medication.
All of a sudden, I heard a loud noise from behind. Another car that had been trying to drive out of the parking lot had bumped into mine. I stepped out shaken because of my condition and the loudness of the noise. When my man stepped out of the pharmacy and saw a crowd had gathered, he walked to us and demanded to know what was happening. After telling him, he did not utter a word. He just asked me to shut up and get in the car right there infront of people.  I was lost for words. We began to argue whilst a few people tried to make him understand why I was standing outside instead of sitting in the car. I could have gotten hurt but he did not care. I eventually sat in the car because he mentioned the fact that I was trying to find trouble where there was none. Not even the daint on the car would stop this man from taking the side he had chosen.

Errol did not care and am sure he would not have cared less if something had happened to me. That night I began to wonder if I had 'a real man' for a man. My dear girl, a man who loves you will protect you at all times and not sell you out. Men are problem solvers, they feel a sense of satisfaction if they can protect their women. I did not have this in my man. Second time he had sold me out. Making me look bad infront of people even when others thought I was right. Don't be with a man who cannot guarantee your safety. A man has got to be a man. Again, every respect I had for this man began to melt away. Little Sister, a man who loves you, though has no money, will strive to buy you even the most cheapest of gifts. I had been with Errol and just realised he had never bought me a pin. Not even common airtime. All he did was take from me each time. A real man who is into you will buy you something because to him, you deserve more. Becareful when you are with him and its just you taking care of you. It isn't a good sign. He will probably buy gifts for some other woman, for now, you are not the right woman for him.

Real men are providers and protectors. I know you have a good career going on and are striving to achieve more. You do not need a man's money not less airtime from him but if you can think of buying him airtime when he is your man, there's  nothing wrong if he does same for you. Men display love by giving.  If you are not getting from him at all, you are in the wrong place. An effort to give you even when he doesn't have is the mark of a man who is into you.

I know you want to be a help mate and a good woman to him but please don't let him take advantage of it and don't misconstrue his 'I do not have' to be humility, love etc. No. He doesn't have but is probably affording flowers for someone else. Be vigilant my girl. Love dwells on giving amongst others. It is good to take care of your man. God bless all the sisters who are being supportive of their men. You are doing it right but to my single sisters be vigilant.

Open your eyes. Be sure that a man is into you not for your money before you rush things. Some are just looking for shelter, cars to drive, fat bank accounts and just looking to change their status.

After that incident, his constant treating me like a rag, his not caring attitude, I decided to kick him out of my house but not until I had confided in my friends. Their initial reaction,  stunned. They would not believe me.

Little Sister,  again, take your time. Do not rush it. Marriage is a long road. Take your time to know this man properly. Infact look out and be sure you are reading the signs properly. In the meantime, whilst you wait, I urge you to keep being the best version of you. Do not fake it like my Errol for any reason. Keep working on you. People are of the view that you do not need to prepare for marriage.  I personally think you do. If you prepare years to get called to the bar, to become a medical doctor or an expert in your chosen field, then I don't see how you cannot prepare to be a wife.  So keep reading, keep watching the movies, keep listening and do not take lightly the genuine stories of those who have been there, failed or succeeded.

Whilst you are still single, enjoy yourself. I know the lonely days will come but you will pull through it. I know there would be nights when you would cry but it is better to cry about a man you have not yet found than to cry over a man you find who does not meet your expectations in the end.
I will definitely conclude my story but I sincerely hope you are learning from my experience with Errol.
Stay strong single little sister, be bold, be confident, keep celebrating you.

Kind regards,
Lem
(Your big sister)

Friday Night, Peninnahs will be flaunting their bfs....Hannah will be observing...lol. This is for my dedicated team CRF. You guys are amazing. God bless you! !