ELEVEN IVFS: WHEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO KEEP FIGHTING

                                                      ' Because life has thrown at me a fight

                                                       a fight only those who engage in can understand

                                                       a fight you engage in to win 

                                                       a fight you have to lose in order to win 

                                                       life's fight

                                                       silent battles

                                                       unseen tears

                                                       a struggle for life's necessities

                                                       a fight you engage in to win

                                                       a fight you have to lose in order to win

                                                       one day, the battle will be won

                                                       when you fight to win and fight no more.....'

                                                                 ...PUPPISHGIRL...

I didn’t really know much about the former Nigerian Beauty Queen and  Pastor Ibidunni Ighodalo, until I read her story on CNN, a few hours after her death. I did some more research on her.

   

I could not believe a certain woman, went through eleven IVFs just to be able to be called ‘Mummy’, eventually got pregnant once and suffered a miscarriage. She finally adopted two children to make her marriage of thirteen years complete (as society would rather have it).

                                           Ibidunni Ighodalo

In an interview with Arise Television, Ibidunni said:“It's such a rollercoaster... It's emotionally draining. It's very expensive... I stopped living and I was just existing....”

“The last one I did worked. I had a set of twins but I had a miscarriage at three months. That was very traumatic, it's one thing to not get pregnant and it's another thing to eventually get pregnant ... and you lose it.”

For her 40 th birthday which would have fallen on July 19, she had planned to help 40 couples faced with the challenge of childlessness be able to have babies too. This evening, while reading Rachel Hollis’ ‘Girl, wash your face.’ it dawned on me that, the life of this woman was filled with lessons. Lessons I could not learn during her existence on earth, but lessons we can all draw from going forward.

 Sometimes, we give up on life too soon. We throw in the towel on our dreams, we stop trying, we stop living. This woman lived and tried 11 times. How many times have you tried and failed at that thing you thought would make your life complete?  People actually stop living when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness, like they have been sentenced to death. Others stop living when they lose something valuable and have to begin all over again, do you have the fighting spirit and urge, to try again and again till the eleventh time?

Also, how many times haven’t we thought as human beings that not having something or reaching a status that society expects us to be, means we’re failures and would do everything even if it meant committing or engaging in illegality to acquire that thing? It isn’t every time you want something that you must have it, through the prescribed route.

Sometimes, you will have to get it via other means. So if you are waiting to have a child, and it isn’t happening, there is always the option of adoption. While you wait for your miracle, why don’t you light up someone else’s life? Be a light to some child in some orphanage who needs a mother or father, or perhaps, adopt that little boy in your family, who lost his dad or that child whose parents have too many offspring, they forget he also matters.

Another significant thing to note about Ibidunni’s story is that, no matter how you pray, wait and try, sometimes, God would bring your miracle in a way you least expect it to happen. There are times, you will never see the glory of the Lord in the way you expect. People have been ill and got the best of treatment and care and prayed that they pulled through to live a normal life again. Yet, there have been times, when they slipped through to the other world and then those they leave behind cry so much and wonder why it happened. The lesson here is that sometimes, healing does not come to us physically, sometimes, your healing actually comes when you are absent from the body and at rest and present with your maker-Deedei Adu’s book, ‘Love that will not let me go’ which I read at a younger age, told a similar story of healing in another form away from the body.

Another lesson from Ibidunni’s life is for spouses especially men, to let their wives fly. Often, in our part of the world, majority of men have felt intimidated by the success of their wives. They would rather pull them down, than stay beside them as ‘steps’ on which they can climb to reach the top. “A man has to be the head, the winner and the star of the family no matter what,” it is often thought. What we forget is, he was created to lead his woman in marriage, and not necessarily be the only star in the family. 

 Ibidunni’s brother inlaw stated at her funeral that: “We were brought up to let our spouses fly, because our father let his wife fly….” And her husband let her fly. Nigeria’s leading Event Planner, founder of a foundation helping women pull through moments of childlessness and overcome the trauma. It was evident in her final moments, as she died in her hotel room, while decorating a COVID-19 isolation centre.  She had helped lots of women have their IVF and finally have children too. Every time, she came up with something she wanted to do and would take the funds from her husband to do so.  He didn’t mind, his only duty by her was to be supportive and let her explore. But how many men actually let their wives fly in reality? 

Some men have their priorities in marrying women achievers, and feed off them-it’s peaceful waiting for her to cater to all your needs instead of getting something to call theirs. Others would for the sake of their ego, marry them and ensure that they stop them from flying. So if you were a Civil Engineer or doctor before he married you, because he came to the table fulfilled and an achiever too, he would find a way to get you to become a stay-at –home mum. Only a few men, confident in their skin let their women fly lest she gets rebellious and call the shots.  This woman’s husband was a total support system who let his wife fly. How many men would let their wives try IVFs 11 times and still fail?

By the fifth time, he would be looking for other alternatives, if he isn’t sterile. There are women outside, who would readily make him babies. This was a man who understood his woman and her needs-having her own baby would make her fulfilled so he would rather try to make her happy than just let it go. How many men still stick and stay, without having other relationships outside wedlock or ‘illegitimate children’ as you would refer to them legally and still watch her fly?

I’m sure like every marriage, they had their ups and bad days but Ibidunni’s brother did mention that, his sister would choose the widower even in her next life, to be her husband, and so would her family choose him again as a son or brother inlaw.  Too many times, we don’t leave people with memories and reasons to choose us again. We end relationships on a bad note, we are at loggerheads with relations, we quit our workplaces on a bad note-we live our lives like we would never cross paths with the people we leave behind again. We treat our spouses and significant other so badly. We scar the people we meet in our life’s journey. We miss the opportunity to make others smile or lend a helping hand when we can. We fail to let the people who matter to us know how much they mean to us, until we can see them no more. Are we giving people a reason to choose us again if they had the chance?

Then who are we personally? What are we doing to leave a memorial behind? I have come to realise that when you leave this world it is over for you, here-this took a while to really sink in properly. When Dela went away, it’s been two years already, I used to remember her every single day, then I went from daily to perhaps twice every week to a month to once a while. God has a way of making us forget our pain and then we eventually learn to live without them. So what you do while you are here really matters. Those things will make the world remember you when they visit your legacies.

 Really, we have just this life that we’re all so much aware of. Nobody knows what really happens after we leave here, but I’m sure you would want to leave nothing, but memories and legacies for the world to still refer to, after you are gone. Whichever way, you choose to do it; write a book, start a foundation to champion a cause, be a volunteer at something, light up the lives of people around you, be a star for the people whose world is filled with darkness. 

When life throws at you, a fight and all you have to do is to keep fighting, giving up is not an option. Remember the story of the eleven IVF attempts!

 Photo Source: Google Photos